and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
