he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
