oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
