I think my fart just growled at me.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
