do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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