I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
