All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
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