What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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