i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize