Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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