I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
