Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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