i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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