i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Pooping to opera.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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