I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
