I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
