Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
