Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
