Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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