Umm I'm too high to move.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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