you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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