There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
