I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
