my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
