theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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