worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize