I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
