I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
