You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
