i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
