I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
