he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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