You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
