Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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