I wish my penis had an off switch
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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