Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
