So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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