Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Randomize