my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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