Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
