1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
