That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think I won the penis lottery.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
