I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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