it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
