my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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