We're like a lot better than the average bears
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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