Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
