I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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