I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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