Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
