Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
