I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
