I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
