when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
