Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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