3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Boobs are out for the taking
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
