Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
