from now on my penis is your penis
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize