I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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